It’s not always easy
Spare a thought for Singapore's dysfunctional families, trapped in a spiral of hurt and neglect ESTHER NG, estherng@mediacorp.com.sg DRESSED in a simple black skirt and grey blouse, Mary (not her real name) told Weekend Xtra that for the past two years she has had one meal a day: Dinner at her mother's place, a one-room rental flat where her mother looks after Mary's three kids. The 35-year-old divorcee has been staying in shelters for the past 18 months. Her nails are black, a sign of anaemia or Vitamin B12 deficiency. While many families are looking forward to the host of National Family Celebrations activities lined up during the June school holidays, some like Mary are struggling to hold their family together. The profile of the typical dysfunctional families has not changed much over the years, counsellors told Weekend Xtra. "They are usually the second or even third generation of broken families, with low income or no income, poor parenting skills and a history of family violence," said Thye Hua Kwan Moral Society's (THKMS) service director for family service and support, Mr Wong Kwong Sing. Apart from issues like crime, drugs and gambling that typically plague dysfunctional families, there is "an immense lack of communication between spouses, parents and children and lack of role models in the home", said Ms Veronica Nathan, a senior counsellor with St Andrew's Lifestreams, a voluntary welfare organisation (VWO). Mary's childhood was far from stable — she and her brother grew up in a children's home. Without proper role models around, Mary left school while in Secondary 1 and drifted in and out of jobs. You half expect it when she tells you that the men in her life are physically abusive. In 2007, she took out a protection against her husband after a severe beating. Mary has lived in shelters since, even then she cannot stay too long as such stints are only meant as "short-term stays for them to sort out their issues", said Mary's case manager, who did not want to be named. Lodging at these shelters is not free. Residents pay between $100 to $150 a month. Over in a three-room flat in Ang Mo Kio, Jack tells Weekend Xtra that his three children, aged nine, four and two, miss their mother, Jill (not her real name). The 28-year-old woman has been in remand for two years now for drug offences. Jill was originally slapped with the death penalty, later reduced to a life sentence. "The first year was very difficult. The kids kept asking for their mother and when we take them to see her, they ask her why is she's there," he said. "She tells them that she is working there. Then they ask her how is it her work is so bad that she can't go home when other mothers can. Sometimes, they cry at night for her." Jill's lawyer, Mr Mark Goh, believes that "the family does not know how to break the news to the children". He added: "The accused and their family member's are under a lot of emotional stress which I'm not equipped to handle. If the courts can appoint two lawyers under the Legal Assistance Scheme for Capital Offences, it would be good if they can appoint counsellors too." Jill's family said that the children do not need counselling — but they do need financial assistance. They sold their three-room flat because they could not afford the mortgage and are now paying $1,500 rent monthly. Jack, 38, earns about $1,000 as an odd job worker, as does his father-in-law. They have so far received $480 from a religious organisation over a period of three months and staples like rice, sardines and milk from a voluntary welfare organisation. Also in an equally hapless position are foreign wives abandoned by their Singaporean husbands. The problem is made worse when they are not Permanent Residents. "After the marriage breaks down, their husbands send them off as soon as their long-term social visit visa expires," said Ms Eliza-beth Tan, executive director of the Archdiocesan Commission for the Pastoral Care of Migrants and Itinerant People (ACMI). When this happens, the wife, is usually either unable to afford to return to Singapore to see her children, or finds that she and her children sent back to her country of origin to fend for themselves. For instance, Ms Vanessa Paz, 35, has flown in to Singapore to see her eight-year-old daughter. Despite being given visitation rights by the courts, the father barred Ms Paz from spending time with her. ACMI is helping Ms Paz with legal aid. "It's not so bad if the child is Singaporean; they can get help at local agencies. Those who are not fall through the system of local help," said Ms Tan. Their alternative? Agencies that deal with migrant issues, whose resources are limited. Counsellors agree while there is more help for disadvantaged families now, there could be more synergy among various agencies to help dysfunctional families break the cycle of misery. "We need to adopt an intensive case-management approach. Let one of the agencies be the case manager and coordinate the efforts of different agencies to help the family," said Mr Wong of THKMS. He added that it would be good if "VWOs had access to resources under ComCare Fund so they can help their clients directly". Right now, it is used to "support the needy under some existing schemes and some are parked under the Citizens' Consultative Committee for the grassroots organisations to help their residents", he said. Ms Nathan suggests reviewing the salary scale of low-income workers and getting more unemployed people to take these jobs. Mary has taken that first step. She started work as a telemarketer two weeks ago. "My children are everything to me. I want to provide them a home." WITH ADDITIONAL REPORTING By ZUL OTHMAN WEEKENDXTRA From TODAYonline.com; see the source article here.
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