What does it take to be the family guy these days?

Home truths

Christopher Toh, christophertoh@mediacorp.com.sg

I'LL BE the first to admit that while having a family is the best thing in the world, it isn't the easiest thing.

For someone who had a dream of being a rock star and having a slight case of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) — I'm particular about the utensils I use — starting a family of my own basically scared the pants off me. For instance, could I share my utensils with someone else?

Fast forward 10 years later, I'm not a rock star, I still have slight OCD and I am a parent. Now of course, I ask questions about my ability to take care of my family: Am I providing the best life for them? Or the ever-popular: Do I want my sons to follow in my footsteps?

Which was why I decided to ask actor Adrian Pang what he thought.

See, we both have many things in common. Pang is married to wife Tracie, who hails from England. My wife sometimes gets mistaken for an ang moh too and we both have been to England. Tracie is a director; I basically do whatever my wife directs me to do. He has two sons, Zack and Xander; so do I — but not called Zack or Xander.

And we both don't allow our kids to watch that much TV, although Pang said his kids have been trying to follow the TV drama Red Thread — which he stars in — "just because all the other kids at school are talking about it". I haven't starred in any drama, but I've been on TV.

Okay, so maybe we don't have so many things in common.

Still, he's the only dad I know whose email address has all the families initials —A, T, X, Z — on it. That's family commitment.

The 43-year-old actor had been living in London before bringing his family over to Singapore in 2001. By any account, it's a big shift uprooting your family to another country, but Pang's reasons were purely familial.

"Before I became a dad, I had been working as a freelance actor and living very contentedly in London for six-and-a-half years. Fatherhood made me reassess my personal needs and wants, and weigh them against my duties and responsibilities to my young family."

When he was offered a job at the now-defunct Mediaworks, Pang said it "represented an opportunity for me to continue working as an actor, with the added security and stability of a regular paycheque".

He added: "Plus Tracie and I were certain that Singapore was a much safer place to bring up Zack and Xander, and we'd be able to offer them a better quality of life."

Like many parents, it's a challenge balancing the work-life continuum. "My work schedule is often very brutal when it comes to family time. So my life is basically about juggling work and family — while walking a tightrope and trying not to drop either. I've fallen on my ass a couple of times but somehow managed to keep up the juggling.

"Also, as an actor working for a living in order to take care of one's kids — and at the risk of sounding like a prat — certain personal 'artistic' compromises and sacrifices have had to be made, and are still being made on a daily basis."

FLIPPING BURGERS

One way around it is to make his boys understand the nature of his work. "Zack and Xander recently came to see me perform in Much Ado About Nothing at Fort Canning, and I suddenly realised that this was the first time that they had properly seen their daddy on stage. The last one I did (The Pillowman) was about child murders, for goodness' sake!

"Ultimately I try to make my boys understand that what daddy does for a living is no big deal, and because the nature of my job means that it is production-line-manufactured for quick-fix mass consumption, it makes it no different from someone working in a fast-food joint. I just happen to flip burgers in public."

When he's not "flipping burgers", Pang said he likes to spend his time with his family in the great wide open. "Just half-an-hour ago Tracie, Zack, Xander and I were out in the park shooting some hoops and 'swave-boarding'. We like to do outdoorsy stuff, like cycling by the beach, wake-boarding and swimming. We also love going to the cinema as a family. Star Trek rocks, by the way."

And does he want his kids to follow in his footsteps?

"My two boys certainly display a strong artistic streak (God help them) in various forms, but Tracie and I are by no means pushy stage parents. We don't mind if they dabble in the arts while they are growing, but I don't think we'll actively pursue that course.

"In fact, I'd probably personally dissuade them in no uncertain terms from going into the arts. Double standards? Hell, yeah! It's my prerogative as a parent to have as many double standards as I see fit!

"But at the end of the day, I look at my two happy, healthy boys and it's all worth it — so those two buggers better bloody appreciate it!"

Well, nobody said it would be easy.

But now I think I understand what Ed Kowalczyk meant when he wrote: "I don't need no one to tell me about Heaven, I look at my daughter and I believe."

If that's the case, then I'm a believer too.

WEEKENDXTRA

From TODAYOnline.com; see the source article here.

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Nurturing the pillar of strength

EVEN the best among us occasionally take family for granted. Hence, there will always be a place for the National Family Celebrations, now in its in 24th year.

With Singaporeans feeling the pinch of the recession, this year's celebrations — kicking off on Saturday — will include affordable or free activities, so that families on tight budgets can still take part.

"The family is the most reliable and strong pillar of support, which we can count on, especially during trying times," said Mr Lim Soon Hock, co-chair of the celebrations' organising committee.

"The support, be it emotional or otherwise, that is received and provided within the family can help to keep us grounded, maintain a positive frame of mind, and make us feel loved and cared for."

And spending time together meaningfully needn't necessarily cost a lot of money. Activities like Family Day Out are free, while the business partners this year — such as the Night Safari and Wild Wild Wet — will be offering special discounts.

Said fellow co-chair Mr Seah Kian Peng: "It can be as simple as coming together for a meal, or catching a movie ... the important thing is to make time for each other."

With a straw poll showing that 90 per cent of Singaporeans want to spend more time with their families, but could not find time to do so, Mr Lim felt the celebrations are important. "(They) serve as a constant reminder that family relationships, like all relationships, need to be nurtured and tended to, whether in good times or bad," he said. LIN YANQIN

From TODAYOnline.com; see the source article here.

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It’s not always easy

Spare a thought for Singapore's dysfunctional families, trapped in a spiral of hurt and neglect

ESTHER NG, estherng@mediacorp.com.sg

DRESSED in a simple black skirt and grey blouse, Mary (not her real name) told Weekend Xtra that for the past two years she has had one meal a day: Dinner at her mother's place, a one-room rental flat where her mother looks after Mary's three kids.

The 35-year-old divorcee has been staying in shelters for the past 18 months. Her nails are black, a sign of anaemia or Vitamin B12 deficiency.

While many families are looking forward to the host of National Family Celebrations activities lined up during the June school holidays, some like Mary are struggling to hold their family together.

The profile of the typical dysfunctional families has not changed much over the years, counsellors told Weekend Xtra.

"They are usually the second or even third generation of broken families, with low income or no income, poor parenting skills and a history of family violence," said Thye Hua Kwan Moral Society's (THKMS) service director for family service and support, Mr Wong Kwong Sing.

Apart from issues like crime, drugs and gambling that typically plague dysfunctional families, there is "an immense lack of communication between spouses, parents and children and lack of role models in the home", said Ms Veronica Nathan, a senior counsellor with St Andrew's Lifestreams, a voluntary welfare organisation (VWO).

Mary's childhood was far from stable — she and her brother grew up in a children's home. Without proper role models around, Mary left school while in Secondary 1 and drifted in and out of jobs.

You half expect it when she tells you that the men in her life are physically abusive. In 2007, she took out a protection against her husband after a severe beating.

Mary has lived in shelters since, even then she cannot stay too long as such stints are only meant as "short-term stays for them to sort out their issues", said Mary's case manager, who did not want to be named.

Lodging at these shelters is not free. Residents pay between $100 to $150 a month.

Over in a three-room flat in Ang Mo Kio, Jack tells Weekend Xtra that his three children, aged nine, four and two, miss their mother, Jill (not her real name).

The 28-year-old woman has been in remand for two years now for drug offences. Jill was originally slapped with the death penalty, later reduced to a life sentence.

"The first year was very difficult. The kids kept asking for their mother and when we take them to see her, they ask her why is she's there," he said.

"She tells them that she is working there. Then they ask her how is it her work is so bad that she can't go home when other mothers can. Sometimes, they cry at night for her."

Jill's lawyer, Mr Mark Goh, believes that "the family does not know how to break the news to the children".

He added: "The accused and their family member's are under a lot of emotional stress which I'm not equipped to handle. If the courts can appoint two lawyers under the Legal Assistance Scheme for Capital Offences, it would be good if they can appoint counsellors too."

Jill's family said that the children do not need counselling — but they do need financial assistance. They sold their three-room flat because they could not afford the mortgage and are now paying $1,500 rent monthly. Jack, 38, earns about $1,000 as an odd job worker, as does his father-in-law.

They have so far received $480 from a religious organisation over a period of three months and staples like rice, sardines and milk from a voluntary welfare organisation.

Also in an equally hapless position are foreign wives abandoned by their Singaporean husbands. The problem is made worse when they are not Permanent Residents.

"After the marriage breaks down, their husbands send them off as soon as their long-term social visit visa expires," said Ms Eliza-beth Tan, executive director of the Archdiocesan Commission for the Pastoral Care of Migrants and Itinerant People (ACMI).

When this happens, the wife, is usually either unable to afford to return to Singapore to see her children, or finds that she and her children sent back to her country of origin to fend for themselves.

For instance, Ms Vanessa Paz, 35, has flown in to Singapore to see her eight-year-old daughter. Despite being given visitation rights by the courts, the father barred Ms Paz from spending time with her. ACMI is helping Ms Paz with legal aid.

"It's not so bad if the child is Singaporean; they can get help at local agencies. Those who are not fall through the system of local help," said Ms Tan. Their alternative? Agencies that deal with migrant issues, whose resources are limited.

Counsellors agree while there is more help for disadvantaged families now, there could be more synergy among various agencies to help dysfunctional families break the cycle of misery.

"We need to adopt an intensive case-management approach. Let one of the agencies be the case manager and coordinate the efforts of different agencies to help the family," said Mr Wong of THKMS.

He added that it would be good if "VWOs had access to resources under ComCare Fund so they can help their clients directly".

Right now, it is used to "support the needy under some existing schemes and some are parked under the Citizens' Consultative Committee for the grassroots organisations to help their residents", he said.

Ms Nathan suggests reviewing the salary scale of low-income workers and getting more unemployed people to take these jobs.

Mary has taken that first step. She started work as a telemarketer two weeks ago.

"My children are everything to me. I want to provide them a home." WITH ADDITIONAL REPORTING By ZUL OTHMAN

WEEKENDXTRA

From TODAYonline.com; see the source article here.

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